Sometimes I’m still working to hold my head up and remember that I’m not the mistakes of my past. I’m not the embarrassing moments, the overreactions, the many who have snarled at me or those who wouldn’t give me the time of day. I’m not defined by my country or my social status or my gender. I’m not a sum of those who let me down. I’m not the sum of those I let down. I’m not the commitments to myself that I couldn’t fulfill. I’m not the many habits I couldn’t build. Or the many that I did build.
It seems like I’m always telling someone that healing happens in layers. Occasionally someone will experience a deep fortifying structure in their brokenness come crashing down and they are free from everything all of the sudden. But usually, it’s a step at a time. It’s a choice made and then another and then another. It’s a revelation of who we are and what we needed… forgiving those who didn’t give us what we needed and making amends when we weren’t what we were supposed to be.
My dance is real though. When I close my eyes I can see it. It’s beautiful and graceful and there’s something about it that I can only describe as SURRENDER. Ugh! But that’s such a nasty word!!! Give up? Admit I was wrong? Give someone else
Surrender is sitting next to your partner and letting them drip milk down their chin onto their shirt. It’s letting the person driving the car, drive however they see fit. It’s allowing your roommate the ability to decide when they take out the trash since it’s their turn. Surrender is smiling at the guy who cut you off in traffic. It’s forgiving her for breaking her word… again. It’s letting her be broken cause that’s what she chooses for her life and a rest in knowing that her brokenness doesn’t define your value.
So what’s my part in life’s dance? It’s surrender. That’s it. Just letting go. The outcomes that I’ve tried to control never went my way anyway. The older I get the more important internal peace is to me. It’s more important to have peace at dinner and enjoy my family than it is for my picky kids to eat what’s on their plates. Why do they have to eat everything I make? What does that gain? What right do I have to control anyone? So when someone tries to get me to do things their way, I try to just smile, respect their moment to talk and then I do it my way. I’d rather have peace than conflict with someone because they’re just being themselves.
I, however, rarely was able to surrender on my own. Remember the “wholeheartedly” statement? Surrender is a choice but I never made my mistakes into beautiful things. I merely fell back into the arms of the one who could and, sometimes wincing at the difficulty in releasing my white knuckle grasp, I let go.
As I write this, a song keeps coming to mind. Not one of mine.
This song is the grace and beauty I’m talking about. Perhaps this is the very definition of making the stumbling of life into something beautiful. Because this song is truly beautiful.
Beautiful Things – Gungor
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About The Author
Wendy is a stay at home mom of four tiny humans ranging from ages one to nine and the wife of a former U.S. Army Staff Sergeant. In addition to music, Wendy, homeschools, teaches at her kids’ homeschooling co-op, volunteers with a ministry called SOZO that helps people overcome unhealthy habits, hang-ups and addictions and aspires, with her husband, to build a self-sustaining homestead.
She has always filled journals with poetry but nearly moments after learning her first three guitar chords she was writing songs. Her passions are two-fold. Write music that’s relatable and connect with the broken or downtrodden. She just plain loves people.
Having overcome deep brokenness herself she has a heart for those struggling to get out of unhealthy patterns and discover all the greatness that’s hidden underneath. She’s equipped with many power tools that she often shares in her writing but it’s important to know that all power tools need a source of power to function properly. For Wendy that source is God.
Wendy is an acoustic rock singer-songwriter with inspiring lyrics, soothing delivery, and intricate guitar. Her delicate truthfulness is known to hug the soul while articulating even the most difficult of topics. Her music has been called relatable and even healing.