Every now and then I’m going to work in a new category. This is the first post for “Behind The Music.” After poling a couple friends I felt like this song was a great start. Mostly because this one got the #1 vote but also because I feel like fear is crippling.

There’s a moment for everyone. You take a step back and look at your life and wonder if you’ll ever get where you want to be. Or you look back and wonder if you did as much as you wanted to. A lot of my thoughts have been; Am I leaving something for my kids? What will they say of me when I’m gone? Am I doing what matters most? Have I given my all? Have I given my best to things that don’t even matter? Did I waste away precious moments watching hours of Netflix? Will I regret working too hard? There’s a moment where everyone gets objective and questions their life in some way.

One thing that always gripped me was fear. I feared failure. I feared success. I feared public humiliation. I feared being misunderstood. I feared rejection. I feared thinking I was capable and learning I wasn’t. I feared believing in myself. I feared believing in God. I feared regret. I feared working too hard and I feared not working hard enough. ugh! So much weight to carry.

Sometimes I remember the moment I wrote a song. I remember the circumstances. Where I was standing… how long it took. Other times songs take time to evolve and there isn’t quite a single defining moment. This is one of those. It’s been a really long journey to overcome all of this fear. Like REALLY long. I’ve been in ladies’ small groups where we get together once a week and talk through life stuff. I’d often feel like a broken record. I got to the point where I didn’t even want to talk about the heaviest burdens on my heart because it was a cycle I couldn’t break out of and I got tired of repeating it to people I didn’t think could even remotely relate. So in a group intended to help me not feel alone… I felt really alone.

I was starting to add additional fears. Am I too old? Am I starting too late? Did I miss my time? Did all of my crap keep me from what I was supposed to get done by now? I’d throw myself into to my goals over and over and things wouldn’t work out the way I had hoped and I’d withdraw again… Is this not God’s will for me? Is there a “God’s will” for me? Am I even supposed to pursue music? Why does music matter? How can I help people if I’m stuck?

This song comes out of a deep need to make a choice. It’s a choice I’ve had to make over and over and over again. Every time doubt about my future creeps in I make the choice again. The truth is my future is good. We’re only buried in our crap if we decide to be. So I decided not to be. I decided to leave doubt behind. I literally deadlifted that crap up and dropped it behind me and started to move forward.

Drowning in doubt had been a way of life for me but as I began to embrace freedom, instead, I watched doubt begin to melt away. I started letting the positive feed my inner voice instead of all negative and as a result more and more positive started flowing in. In fact, it seems that often we are standing right on the edge of what we really want and all we need to do is lunge forward. As I wrote this I felt that. That I was standing on the edge of what was coming and quitting would keep me from what was moments away.

Leaving

I’ve got a sneaking suspicion that the path that I’m on
Is one crack pipe short of overdosing, a meal that is overdone
But my sneaking suspicion is that all my efforts aren’t undone
Every time things don’t go my way or a challenge comes along

I’m leaving, leaving it all behind, the weight of doubt is more than I can take this time

I’ve got a new revelation that I don’t endure in vain
I’m one lap short of a victory dance, my drought is one day short of rain
And my new revelation is that my fortress of self-preservation
Is more than just a guarded heart it’s a lonely observation

I’m leaving, leaving it all behind, the weight of doubt is more than I can take this time

Cause I have been riding this bike under water for so long
The endurance of timing and worry of chance have given me song
But when the waters of doubt recede and freedom finds me free
I’ll be of soft skin and strong mind with more than a care to carry me

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About The Author

Wendy is a stay at home mom of four tiny humans ranging from ages one to nine and the wife of a former U.S. Army Staff Sergeant.  In addition to music, Wendy, homeschools, teaches at her kids’ homeschooling co-op, volunteers with a ministry called SOZO that helps people overcome unhealthy habits, hang-ups and addictions and aspires, with her husband, to build a self-sustaining homestead.

She has always filled journals with poetry but nearly moments after learning her first three guitar chords she was writing songs. Her passions are two-fold. Write music that’s relatable and connect with the broken or downtrodden. She just plain loves people.

Having overcome deep brokenness herself she has a heart for those struggling to get out of unhealthy patterns and discover all the greatness that’s hidden underneath. She’s equipped with many power tools that she often shares in her writing but it’s important to know that all power tools need a source of power to function properly. For Wendy that source is God.

Wendy is an acoustic rock singer-songwriter with inspiring lyrics, soothing delivery, and intricate guitar. Her delicate truthfulness is known to hug the soul while articulating even the most difficult of topics. Her music has been called relatable and even healing.