Have you ever been around someone that you can feel their potential oozing from their being and yet they are bound so tightly by happenstance, self-hatred and blaming of others that they seem like they’ll never climb out? I have a few people like that in my life. They’re beautiful. Amazing. Giving. Talented. And if they could see their own chains they’d wallow in devastation… I’m not even confident that seeing their own junk would motivate them to change… I think it might cause them to go deeper into the darkness.
It’s heart-wrenching. Sometimes I just want to shake them. “You’re doing it wrong! Just listen to me! Can’t you see how awesome you are! I have all the answers!” Of course, I never say that because that’s not my style… I usually just love them where they are in all of their brokenness and make myself available for the moments they’re open enough to share. As much as I think I might have great advice… I definitely do NOT have all the answers.
It seems that as people build walls of self-preservation they trick themselves into thinking they are making motions toward virtue. So many vows to be made. “No one will ever do that to me again.” “I’m not getting taken advantage of.” “I don’t need people.” “They don’t deserve that.” “I don’t care what they think.” “I can do it on my own.” Those phrases are disguised as personal boundaries. They are actually distractions from the real issues.
As one has just exited a super unhealthy relationship, again, and blames all the dysfunction on the other person they fail to see the hang-ups that draw them into turmoil, to begin with.
Another has spent twenty years burying who they are as a protest to all the pain and becoming something they are not… A sort of paradoxical spiral. “I reject you because you reject me. Yet somehow I have clothed myself in exactly what I think you wanted from me all that time.”
Then there’s those that have no ability to function on their own. They are literally dependent on some other adult to pay bills, put a roof over their head and manage medication. Adulting is emotionally impossible.
All with good reason. They have all been robbed. They were not taught their value. Instead, they had their identities ripped from their souls. Literally. We believe what we’re told when we’re little. Even when words are never used. We believe what the adults around us are saying. The core of our existence is not defined by those around us but how we view it is.
Identity. Knowing who we are. Why we are. That’s the epicenter. It’s the life-changing thing that can wreck any lie, break any chain, bury the dead and raise them again. Because if my friend who was traded for a car as a baby knew who he was and what his value was he’d never settle. He’d have nothing to protect himself from because he’d be invincible.
My friend who had been visited by her father in the middle of the night wouldn’t be broken. Her soul never would have fractured into tiny pieces that were nearly beyond reconstruction.
My friend who’s been abused with maximum levels of dysfunction and experienced hatred within his family that would make your skin crawl…. he wouldn’t battle darkness every day of his life… holding on to shreds of anything that give him hope that there’s better out there… somewhere.
My heart is heavy as I write this. Suicide wouldn’t exist if we knew who we are. Murder wouldn’t exist. Hatred stems from wounds…. There wouldn’t be any if we all knew how valuable we are and by perfect consequence knew the value of others. If you don’t know who you are… I urge you. Begin to find out. If your self-view is negative, I guarantee you’re wrong. Find the truth. You’re worth it.
I wrote this song for someone that I love very much. Every time I play it I think of those out there who are after love… they want someone to love them and they want to love themselves and they are not confident they’ll ever find it.
You can check out the album here: https://wendynicholshop.com/ or listen on Spotify.