Ok. Some painful honesty today. I feel that it’s necessary. There are a ton of good things I can pull from the wreckage… but I wouldn’t be purely transparent if I didn’t tell this side too.
I had a rough night. I crashed and burned. A repeating cycle I’ve relived since high-school. I don’t really know what the trigger is, the original instance, but I get sick when a certain kind of anxiety rises in me. It’s weird. I know. But even if you’re like me and have battled something like this and can fully define and diagnose it, it’s still FREAKING WEIRD.
It’s kind of like binge eating or binge sleeping. It’s just like cutting or drug abuse. It’s seemingly out of my control. My emotions take over and my body reacts and I dive into what I know. I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to have fear of being who I am, openly… vulnerably. I don’t want to be sick all the time. I’ve worked pretty hard to balance rest, work and diet just to support my health!
Before I even got up to play last night (I had a show) I had fierce darts hitting me right in the gut. They said things like “You don’t belong here,” “You aren’t good enough,” “Who do you think you are?” And as if I had no shield I let the arrows pierce right into my soul and bring me down. They. are. all. lies.
I sat down this morning to write down what I know is true. I intellectually know that if I can identify a lie I have to combat it with
I know how to change my situation. I know I CAN change my situation. I ponder… what keeps us from changing when we KNOW we can? For some of us, the bottom line is fear. We fear success as much as failure. We fear life as much as we fear death. We fear
It’s easier to give in to the wreckage and let it take us down. It’s easier to watch the ship burn on the surface of the water as we sink deeper and deeper with all the other broken pieces than it is to swim. Because swimming would mean we’d take responsibility for the outcome. I think the permeating lies in all of that is… “it isn’t worth it. I’m not worth it. There’s no hope. It’s too hard.” “If I don’t try then I can’t fail.” Failure to try is the only true failure. Everything else is learning.
“Who do you think you are?”
What a devastatingly effective lie. As if to say “you are nothing.”
So as I pulled together the gumption to face the truth and embrace it. To make a choice to make it my own new mantra… I wrote a new song. I hope to share it with you soon. It’s called “Fight.” I hope you too will seek the truth and fight for your life. Not just to live but to FULLY LIVE. If you don’t know who you are or don’t have
You are valuable. You are on purpose. You are not an accident. You are not a mistake. You have a place in this world, a set of shoes that only you can fill. The world needs you. Your talent will make room for you. No one has the right to silence you including you.
Much love my friends!
-Wendy
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