Am I Nothing?
It resonates in my soul even still. All of the moments in life when someone walked away from me or ignored me or shut me down as though I were nothing to them.
One of the most painful moments in music was in 2001. I had hired a bass player to play on an EP I was recording. He came over to practice and learn the songs before going into the studio. I shared my heart… possibly for the first time.
I wanted to bring healing through song. I wanted my songs to speak to someone’s heart. He laughed. He literally laughed and said, “how could this song ever bring healing to someone?” (not the song I’m sharing with you today)
I was devastated. I defended my stance at the moment, but the truth is he spoke right into my doubt and he shattered my hope. It wouldn’t have hurt so deeply if I hadn’t already thought the same thing.
I really believe that this is why so many words that others speak to us affect us. They speak into something we’re already thinking. If I had been resolved in my own beliefs that I was going to change the world, even through songs that were just talking about an experience, he wouldn’t have shaken me.
Nearly two decades later and I still feel a cringe in my gut when I remember that moment because it affected me for so many years and I had to fight to get to the truth. I had to fight hard. It wasn’t easy since so many things in life happened to reinforce the false belief.
Am I nothing God? Am I floating in time? Is there nothing significant about us all being here? Is there no purpose? No intention in our creation?
Why is the thing I want to do most the hardest thing to do?
It’s really important to not wait for the confirmation of others to know that what you do and who you are is worthwhile. When those people are absent and you can’t get someone to respond, you’ll doubt yourself.
So, I quiet myself and go to the only one who will never leave me. The one who knows me better than I know myself. The one who gave me gifts and created me with talents. The one who intends for great things to come from my life. I silence my hurt self and I listen.
Follow your heart.
Nope. The heart is deceptive. The heart can desire things that are not good for us. The heart can lead us to hurt others without even realizing it.
There is a stark difference between discovering who we are and running after every desire of the heart. It is a fine line of distinction and the further we grasp other lies to protect ourselves the further we fall away from who we were really made to be. I have seen people intentionally avoid their own gifts because they were wounded. I have seen people follow after false beliefs like; “women weren’t meant to do that sort of thing” or “get a real job and support your family” or “love is love.” Love is love doesn’t work when the person you love is abusive. Sometimes “love” isn’t really love at all.
“I would never create you with deep longings that aren’t true to your design. I intend for you to go after the things I created you to do. I made you with gifts and talents to use them. Your gifts are meant to bring YOU joy. You are top notch craftsmanship but remember, I am the craftsman. When you walk in who you are, you’ll feel fulfilled and you’ll influence others toward freedom. You being free sets others free. However, just like a well-made power tool, you have to be plugged in, to work at your fullest potential.”
I’m sharing a song with you this week: “Am I Nothing”
It’s about a person I knew and a moment he made me feel invisible. Even as I wrote the song I knew I was NOT NOTHING. I wrote it anyway to process through the pain he caused by the way he treated me.
You are not nor have you ever been… nothing.
Am I Nothing; Written & Recorded by Wendy Nichol
You were perfect from the way you look at me
To the way you ran your fingers through my hair
You look into my soul not just my eyes
And you read my mail with the things that you said
Am I nothing but eye candy
Someone to hold onto when the moments right
Am I nothing but a filler
For the times when there’s no one else
Today we’re friends again with high fives and low dives
And I wonder
If I was the only one
Who thought more inside my
One moment your into me
And then your friend walks in and I disappear
Yes I disappear
As I lay here, lay here in my bed
Am I nothing (repeats)
Am I nothing! (3x)
How Can you look at me that way
And say the things that you say
How can you look into my soul
And act like you don’t see a thing
Am I nothing…
© Wendy Nichol
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